*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.