me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
what鈥檚 the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I鈥檓 torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I鈥檓 writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 馃グ
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Marvel鈥檚 new superhero sounds pretty shit 馃槙馃槙馃槙
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*pronounces fake like sak茅*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I鈥檓 like right here.