Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My biological clock is wheezing.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Actually cracking up @ this
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.