I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.