Beauty and the Beast
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My wedding will be open casket.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
oh you wanna fight?!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)