Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I am never leaving this website
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.