We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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Where’s my employee discount too?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!