Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”