I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.