I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
What even happened today?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.