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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
🏙👨🏼
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”