Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.