There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“you recording!?”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*