if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.