There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Meowchelangelo
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true