Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“Wait, let me explain..”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*