Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
#math
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
just got my engagement photos
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.