The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You Might Also Like
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*praying for world peace*
God:
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark