Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.