Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Autocarrot sucks!
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.