*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
dads on road-trips be like