Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal