When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.