ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Good dog. ❤️
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.