Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Best seat on the street 😍
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
welp
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive