If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me trying to walk in a dream
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball