My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you