Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
only 11 steps left
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.