I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic