Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
man: wait
time: no
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.