Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.