Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta