Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I can’t be the only one 😂
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.