Sooo many times…..
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball