Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Ummm
Plant care tips
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”