Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
that wasn’t the question
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.