Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
A roof is a house hat.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*