Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”