Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me checking my bank balance online.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.