Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
IT’S-A ME,
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.