Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
based al yankovic
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.