If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Good morning.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter