TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
You Might Also Like
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no