I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Leaving the Barbers like
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?