I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
New mindset, who dis?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
#oldknees
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”