I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Happy Taco Tuesday