Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Lmao the reply
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.