*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.