*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Confused owl: What?!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you