I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
There’s always that one guy
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”